A CERTAIN ADDICTION

A lot can happen when you are addicted to a certain kind of kindness, such that if you don't feel it most of the time, you would go out of your way to be sad once again. I actually found myself addicted to sadness.  Of course, I did not see it, or care to see it, at the time — however, for some reason I found myself drawn to the drama of despairing relationships and then the resignation that would finally come after everything was said and done.
It was no way to live — I know this now.
Interestingly enough, it took years of going through similar relationships to realize what I was unconsciously doing to myself. Perhaps I was "addicted" to my sadness because it let me feel real — pain, as much as we say we hate it, is often preferable to apathy for many of us. In a strange, crazy sort of way, it reminds us that we are alive and a part of something. However, it is ironic that despite the fact that we may be the ones choosing the addiction, we still blame the external — whether it be another person or a circumstance — as the reason for our pain.
We may feel alive and important because we experience pain, but a greater joy and greater sense of being comes from developing self-awareness and responsibility for our own happiness. When we learn that we truly are the captains of our own ships, the wonderful rush of being alive and being real finally becomes ours. This kind of conditioning are due to several factors.